


The Measure of Courage

by Rochelle_Templer



Category: The Monkees, The Monkees (TV)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Gen, Implied/Referenced Drug Use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-28
Updated: 2017-09-01
Packaged: 2018-12-20 20:58:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11929143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rochelle_Templer/pseuds/Rochelle_Templer
Summary: The guys always relied on Mike to be the one to fix things when they went wrong. But what happens when it's Mike who is the one who needs fixing.....





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a two-part episode tag for Monstrous Monkee Mash.

Micky knew that something was wrong. They all did, really. It was just that no one wanted to say anything out loud. Saying it out loud would make it real, and all of them dreaded this reality coming to pass. Still, as much as Micky, Davy, and Peter wished they could deny what was in front of them, they couldn’t ignore it anymore.

They couldn’t ignore that there was something wrong with Mike.

Whenever Micky tried to pinpoint the moment when things started going wrong, he would always come up with the time period right after their nightmarish encounter with Lorelei, the Count and all the other ghoulies that lived in that old house along the shore. Granted, at the time, nothing seemed all that strange. All of them had suffered through more than one sleepless night the first week after it happened. Fortunately, this was after they had made the decision to have all of them share the upstairs bedroom so none of them had to spend the night alone. Looking back on it, it occurred to Micky that Mike was frequently comforting them and helping them through those rough nights. But then again, there was nothing unusual about that either.

The first thing that Micky had noticed was that Mike seemed to be tired all the time. He hadn’t thought about it too closely though because he knew that Mike was spending many of his night taking care of them rather than getting needed sleep. Thus, he found himself side stepping the issue, more than a little uncomfortable over how the Texan was having to be the one to shoulder the group’s burdens yet again.

It wasn’t long after that though that he started to notice changes in Mike’s behavior as well.

For starters, Mike was much more inclined to shut himself off from the rest of them and brood while they were around. Not that this by itself was cause for alarm. As much as they all loved Mike like a brother, they were also aware that he could be moody at times and that it was better to give him his space until he could sort out whatever he needed to in his head. But these days, the Texan’s moodiness was much more frequent and would sometimes be accompanied by bouts of ill-temper. A couple days ago, they were all practicing for a gig when Davy suddenly forgot a few of the words of the song he was singing. It had been a small flub, one they had all made at some point. Nevertheless, Mike abruptly stopped the song and proceeded to berate Davy for not taking rehearsals seriously. Fortunately, Peter and Micky were able to cool both of them down before things got out of hand, and later, Mike did apologize to Davy for being so harsh with him. Still, it was just another example of how foul Mike’s demeanor had become much of the time.

Unfortunately, this was not the only way that Mike’s dark mood manifested itself.

More recently, Mike had also become much more controlling and watchful of what everyone did. If any of them went out, he demanded to know where they were going, for how long and sometimes who they would hanging out with. If they didn’t tell him all of this, there would be another short, heated argument. Other times, when one or more of them decided to go to a club or party, Mike would insist on going along even though he didn’t appear to be having any fun at all during these outings.

All of this had put a definite strain on everyone’s nerves as Mike became increasingly difficult to work and live with. Still, in spite of all the tension, in spite of the angry words and frayed tempers, Micky found that his annoyance and frustration was counterbalanced by his deep concern for Mike’s wellbeing. Behind most of those arguments, the drummer had noticed a tinge of anxiety in Mike’s eyes. When Mike was off his own world, he could see sorrow dimming the light that used to sparkle in the Texan’s eyes. It also wasn’t hard to miss how Mike’s exhaustion was getting worse as the days wore on. Mike often looked like he was close to collapsing and there were a couple times when he had barely been able to get through his daily routines. 

Of course, any attempt to ask Mike if he was all right or to suggest that he take some time to rest would be met with more angry glares or firmly worded refusals. For a while, Micky wondered if he was the only one who thought that Mike was slowly turning into another person, someone he didn’t recognize at all. However, when talked to Davy and Peter and about it, he discovered that they had similar worries about Mike’s health and state of mind.

Sadly, even with the consensus that something was wrong, the three of them were unsure about what they should do. None of them wanted to confront Mike directly due to his recent hostile responses to their inquiries. Once in a while they would start to build up the desire to do something when caught up in a fit of pique over the Texan’s lousy behavior, but it would never amount to anything. Despite their issues with him, none of them wanted to approach Mike while they were upset out of fear that it would do more harm than good or even possibly damage their friendship with the Texan. And that was something they definitely did not want to risk due to their still caring about Mike while simultaneously not wanting to hurt him the way others had in the past.

As a result, the mood at the pad had become wretched as Mike continued to grapple with whatever demons were haunting him while taking out his negative feelings out on the rest of them.

Micky sighed as he stared at his bowl of cornflakes. Breakfast was a tense affair as Mike ate silently with a permanent scowl on this face while Davy sullenly glared at him in between bites of toast. Peter tried to lighten the mood by telling everyone about a folk concert he had gone to at the park last night. It had been a nice distraction from gloominess in the room, and Micky hoped that the meal would continue without incident. Those hopes were soon dashed aside, however, when Mike suddenly narrowed his eyes at Peter.

“You didn’t tell me about this folk thing,” he drawled. “You told me you were just goin’ to meet some friends at the fountain and talk for a while.”

“I…I’m sorry,” Peter said, contrite. “It just kind of came up. We were all there talking and then someone came over and told us about these folk bands that were gathering at the edge of the park. It sounded cool, so we went to check it out.”

“Uh-huh, and what if something had happened?” Mike asked him. “What if the wrong sort of people showed up in the crowd?”

“Mike, no, it wasn’t like that,” Peter insisted. “We were just….”

“Oh I’m sure it wasn’t supposed to be anything,” Mike cut in. “But that’s not always how it turns out, now is it? You should have come back here and told me about this thing before dashing off to who knows what kind of trouble.”

“I, I guess I should have,” Peter stammered. “I’m sorry, Michael.”

“Now wait a minute,” Davy said, slapping his hand against the table. “This has gone too far.”

Both Peter and Micky immediately held out their hands in an attempt to calm Davy down.

“It’s ok Davy,” Peter assured him. “I really should have….”

“No, no you shouldn’t have,” Davy interrupted. “And I for one have had enough. Just who do you think you are, Mike? Telling us what to do all the time.”

Mike glowered at Davy and rose to his feet. Davy jumped up from his chair to meet him and strode over defiantly.

“Who am I?” the Texan said, looking down at him. “I’m just the guy who keeps havin’ to bail y’all out of trouble. Y’all get yourselves into another mess and then you expect me to clean it up for you. Well maybe I’m just tryin’ to stop a few of those messes from happening in the first place. You ever think of that?”

“Is that so?” Davy shot back. “Well then, did you ever stop to think that maybe don’t need you running our lives for us and watching every little thing we do? We happen to be grown men capable of minding ourselves without you looking over our shoulders every minute.”

“Really? ‘Cause that ain’t how I see it,” Mike retorted. “What I see is y’all runnin’ to me every time somethin’ goes wrong so I can fix it. ‘Mike I signed something I shouldn’t have.’ ‘Mike those bad guys are after me.’ ‘Mike that girl’s fallen for me and I don’t know what to do.’ And that’s on top of my having to look for jobs for us so we’ll have enough bread to make rent and put a little food in our cupboards. I swear, it’s like looking after a bunch of children.”

“Is that how you see us?” Davy fumed. “As a bunch of children? So what does that make you? Dad? Well, I got news for you. We’re not kids and you’re not our father. No one put you in charge of us.”

“I’m sure that’s not what he was trying to say, Davy,” Micky babbled, waving his hands frantically. “He was just saying that….”

“Oh stop defending him, Micky,” Davy snapped. “You and I both know that I’m not saying anything that you and Peter haven’t thought here recently. We’ve had it up to here, Mike. You keep pushing us around and telling us what to do and we’re sick of it. All of us. We’re tired of it. Besides, you’re a fine one to talk about taking care of us when you can’t do the same for yourself.”

“What do you mean?” Mike growled.

“Come off it, Mike,” Davy snorted. “Do you think we haven’t noticed how you practically have to drag yourself out of bed every morning? You think we haven’t seen how you can barely keep your eyes open while you drive or even while you’re playing your guitar? You just about fainted at that gig we played a couple days ago. So you tell us: when was the last time you had a full night’s sleep or even a decent meal?”

“Maybe he isn’t feeling well, Davy,” Peter offered. “He could be sick. Maybe if he just got some rest….”

“Like that’s going to happen,” Davy snorted again. “You know very well that we’ve all tried to get him to slow down and look what that got us. But I guess he feels he shouldn’t have to listen to a bunch of children. Is that how it is, Mike? You feel like we’ve got no say in anything anymore ‘cause we’re just kids you gotta mind? ‘Cause if that’s how it is…then maybe it’s time for some changes around here. Starting with you.”

“Y’all asking me to leave?” Mike asked, his voice tight and his face inscrutable. “Is that it?” Micky and Peter scrambled to their feet and put themselves between Mike and Davy while shaking their heads vigorously.

“He didn’t mean that,” Micky assured Mike, placing one hand around the Texan’s upper arm and the other on his shoulder. “Honest, he didn’t.”

“Of course he didn’t,” Peter said, desperate as he grabbed Davy’s arm. “Tell him, Davy. Please. Please tell him that you didn’t mean it. You don’t want Mike to go away.”

“I’m not saying anything,” Davy said levelly. “Except that something’s got to give here, Mike. It can’t go on this way, and you’d have to be completely off your bird if you think it can.”

All of them stared nervously at Mike to see what the Texan’s reply would be. Given his behavior of late, they half expected him to respond with a strongly worded argument or at least an angry glare. The other half of them hoped that maybe this would be the tipping point that would push Mike to apologize and to finally explain himself and tell them what had been preying on his mind.

None of them had expected or wanted the look of defeat that clouded Mike’s eyes or the slump in his posture as he backed away from them toward the door.

“If, if that’s how y’all feel,” he mumbled. “Then I suppose there’s nothing I can say about it”

Mike then spun on his heel and quickly retreated out the door, slamming it behind him. The others stood and stared in mute astonishment for several moments until Davy let out a long sigh.

“I’m going for some air,” he announced as he shrugged away from Peter’s grip and headed over to the exit at the balcony. Peter immediately followed him while Micky rushed out the door to try to find Mike. However, he only had to take a few steps out the door before he realized that there was no sign of the Texan and no way to figure out where he had gone. Frustrated and dejected, the drummer went back into the pad and then went out toward the beach to find Davy and Peter.  It only took him a few seconds to find the two of them sitting near some craggy rocks along the shore. They both looked up at Micky as the drummer sat down beside them.

“Aw Davy, why did you have to say all that stuff to him?” Micky sighed heavily.

“You didn’t mean it, did you?” Peter asked worriedly. “You don’t really want Mike to leave.”

“No, of course not,” Davy huffed. “But that’s not to say that I didn’t mean any of things I said. Come on, guys, Mike needed to hear some of that stuff. You know I’m right about this. He’s going to run himself into the ground if he keeps this up. And we’ve all been right miserable ever since he started acting like this.”

“Yeah, I know,” Micky replied. “And for the most part, you’re right too. It’s just…you know how Mike is, Davy. You go at him the wrong way directly and he’ll just clam up and hide in his own mind and make himself even harder to reach.”

“And maybe…maybe Michael is miserable too,” Peter said sadly. “I mean, he’s never happy anymore. He never smiles or laughs. Maybe we did something to make him sad, and he doesn’t want to tell us because it could hurt our feelings.”

The bassist’s mournful tone caused Davy and Micky to move closer to him and pat his shoulders.

“Don’t worry, Pete,” the drummer said. “I don’t think Mike’s upset with us. At least, not directly.”

“You sure about that, Micky,” Davy asked. “’Cause he does seem to want to snap at us a lot these days.”

“But it’s never about us,” Micky countered. “I mean, it’s not like he’s telling us that he can’t stand us or the things we do. It’s…it’s more like he’s become, I don’t know, super overprotective or something. Like he’s afraid something will happen if he’s not keeping watch every second. He wouldn’t be going to such annoying lengths if he didn’t care about us.”

“That’s true enough,” Davy conceded. “But then how do we get him to stop being so overprotective and get him to calm down a lil’?”

“That’s just it,” Micky said, throwing his hands up in irritation. “I don’t know. I just don’t know.”

* * *

 

Later, the three of them decided to change and make a day of playing at the beach as a way to release some of the tension that had been building at the pad for the past few days. They met up with some friends that lived nearby, and soon they were all having fun swimming, playing beach volleyball and just hanging out together. It was the most fun they had had in a long time and all of them were relieved to have a chance to forget about their troubles for a while.

However, after about three or four hours of this, Micky found himself unable to continue to enjoy himself. He kept thinking back to what Peter and Davy had said. He still didn’t think that Mike meant to be so difficult with them and clung to the hope that he was also right that it wasn’t anything that they had done that had made Mike become this way. Still, as well-meaning and perhaps necessary as Davy’s words had been, Micky was worried that they might have cut deeper into Mike than had been intended. The more he thought about how Mike could possibly be dwelling on the idea that his friends didn’t want him around anymore, the harder it was for Micky to feel anything but guilty over having a good time right now.

Micky glanced around the beach to see Davy chatting with a pair of girls in bikinis and Peter building a sand castle with another girl. The drummer decided to go back to the pad to wait for Mike to return and let the other guys know before leaving the beach.

He trudged in through the balcony quietly, but didn’t see anyone around. A couple minutes searching the downstairs turned up no signs that anyone was home. Micky shrugged and climbed the stairs to the bedroom, intent on changing out of his beach clothes and grabbing a book to read while he waited.

However, when he opened the door, Micky was startled to find Mike lying in his bed, facing the wall.

Micky jumped a little and grabbed at his chest, but managed to stay quiet. The Texan was lying mostly on his stomach and was shirtless, his bed sheet covering his lower half. His soft, even breathing indicated to Micky that he was asleep. After creeping around the other side of the bed and seeing Mike’s eyes closed and his mouth slightly open, Micky was certain of it. The drummer then let out a slight smile at the sight.

‘ _At least he’s finally getting some sleep for a change,’_ he thought. ‘ _And from the look of it, he’s getting some real rest. He’s sleeping soundly.’_

Micky crept over to his dresser and swiftly and silently changed his clothes and dug up the book he wanted. As soon as he was done, he glanced over at Mike one more time to make sure that he didn’t wake him.

However, just as he was about to walk out of the bedroom, something out of the corner caught his eye, causing him to hesitate.

Micky turned and his eyebrows furrowed as he looked at the stand next to Mike’s bed. Sitting close to the edge was a tiny plastic bag with a few brightly colored pills inside. The drummer picked it up and studied the capsules carefully. It wasn’t long before he recognized them as a strong sedative that had been making its way through the local music scene for a few weeks now. Sometimes people took them to sleep and other times it was for fun or to mellow out. However, Micky had also heard about how easy it was for people to abuse this drug and about how someone had actually died recently from accidentally taking too much.

‘ _Did Mike take these?’_ he thought frantically. ‘ _And if he did, how many did he take? Just enough to sleep or…or did he mean to…?’_

Overcome with terror over that last thought, Micky threw the bag of pills back onto the night stand and dropped down to his knees next to the bed. He then grabbed the Texan’s arm and shook it.

“Mike?” he said softly. “Mike? Wake up, Mike. Come on, wake up.”

Mike didn’t respond, his body simply flopping over limply so that he was face down in the bed. Micky knew that Mike was normally a light sleeper, so the fact that his shaking was having no effect scared him deeply. He pressed one hand against the Texan’s back while placing the fingers of his other hand against Mike’s neck. The drummer was relieved to find a steady pulse and breathing, but was still anxious over not being able to wake Mike up. He grabbed the Texan’s arm again and shook harder.

“Mike?” he said, his voice rising in volume. “Come on, Mike wake up.” Mike continued to remain unresponsive, and a lump started to form in Micky’s throat. “Mike! Mike, wake up. Please wake up. Please babe. Open your eyes.”

Micky gave him one more hard shake which finally prompted a groan from the prone figure in the bed. Mike stirred and lifted his head from his pillow. As he opened his eyes, Micky could see that they were glazed and somewhat dilated, making him sure that Mike had taken at least one of the pills.

“Micky?” he slurred. “Wha…what’s goin’ on? What….”

“Mike,” Micky gasped. “Are you ok?”

“M’fine…jus’ tired,” Mike mumbled, his eyes drooping. “Takin’ a nap….Somethin’ wrong?” Micky let out a breath that he hadn’t realized he had been holding.

“No, no,” he said, shaking his head. “I was just making sure you were all right. I…I’m sorry I woke you up.”

“’S’ok,” Mike said. “’M’goin’ sleep some more…ok?”

“Ok, Mike,” Micky said, swallowing hard. “You go ahead and get some rest.”

“Mmmm,” Mike muttered as his eyes drifted shut. His head plopped back down onto his pillow.

“Mick?”

“Yeah babe?”

“Lemme know when y’all want dinner,” Mike slurred. “I…I’ll make some meatloaf…Pete’s been wantin’ that….”

 Mike let out a snuffle as his words trailed off and he fell back asleep. Then the Texan shivered slightly which Micky responded to by pulling up the blanket covering Mike up toward his neck, carefully tucking him in. Mike shuffled under the blanket for a moment before becoming still again.

Micky then turned around and sat down on the floor. He leaned back against the bed and tried to scrub away the wetness that had formed in his eyes. He was pretty sure that Mike was fine. The Texan was coherent if dazed and now seemed to be sleeping normally albeit deeply. Still, Micky found that he did not want to leave Mike alone. Not for a while anyway. He was sure that Mike was ok, but he also wanted to be there just in case he was wrong.

It was that last thought that made Micky tremble and rock back and forth. Tears swam in his eyes again as his thoughts turned back to fears over what might have happened when he had first tried to wake Mike up. He tried to tell himself that Mike would never resort to such drastic measures to put an end to his problems.

Then again, Micky also thought that Mike would never resort to taking barbiturates to help him sleep.

Micky hung his head. How had they let things go this far? He was supposed to be Mike’s best friend. He had promised him on the day they met that he wouldn’t hurt him and that he’d have his back. He also knew that Peter and Davy had similar feelings about Mike. So how could they have ignored what was happening? Or at the very least, how could they have let it go on and do nothing about it? Mike was hurting. That was crystal clear to Micky now. All of those other things… the sleepless nights, the fits of moodiness and bad temper, the times spent brooding by himself…they were just symptoms of some larger, more insidious problem. Sure, they had noticed all the stuff that had annoyed and troubled them, but they did not think very hard about what it could all mean.

A soft snore came from the bed, and a tear finally leaked out of Micky’s eye. They had told Mike that something needed to change, but how could they have known that this would be the result? That Mike would turn to self-medicating to get some sleep? Mike would occasionally have a few drinks and he had smoked a little pot a couple times, but he never took any pills. Not even aspirin for headaches. Micky contemplated how Mike must have been desperate for him to go out searching for barbiturates. Even worse to Micky was the fact that Mike, who was drugging himself asleep, was still fussing over things like cooking dinner for the rest of them.

Micky took another deep breath and brushed the tear off his face. He turned back toward Mike to watch him sleep. Even in his stupor, Mike’s sleep looked fitful, as if his mind was fighting against his body’s need for slumber. The Texan began to toss and turn, his head lolling from side to side. Micky reached over and placed a hand gingerly onto Mike’s shoulder.

“Mike, it’s ok,” he said gently. “Please don’t worry. Just rest, babe.”

Mike settled down and sank back into a deeper state of unconsciousness. His face features smoothed as he relaxed. Soon, he looked to be at peace, and Micky rubbed his shoulder for a moment more before turning back around and sitting down on the floor again.

The situation had gone too far. They couldn’t afford to wait around for things to get better on their own. Despite their continued reluctance, they would have to confront Mike again and force him to accept their help this time. Micky was certain that this was what they had to do.

But he wasn’t certain that it wasn’t too late already.


	2. Chapter 2

Later that evening, all four of them were hanging around the front room which was mired in a tense, unnatural quiet.

After staying with Mike for almost two hours, Micky left him alone and went downstairs to wait for Davy and Peter. As soon as the pair of them came in from the beach, Micky sat down with them and told them about what he had seen in his and Mike’s room. Their reactions of shock and horror mirrored Micky’s and both of them wondered if they should go check on Mike again. The three of them crept upstairs for a quick look, after which Micky assured them that Mike had showed no signs of an adverse reaction to the pills.

Another hour after Peter and Davy returned, they heard an alarm clock go off in the upstairs bedroom. About a minute later, Mike slowly ambled down the spiral staircase and headed toward the kitchen with only a few words of greeting and multiple yawns. The yawns continued while Mike prepared dinner which were accompanied by drooping eyes and moments when Mike seemed slightly disoriented. His lethargy was still apparent while they ate dinner together. Mike remained silent while the other three tried to engage in hesitant, sporadic small talk about their day on the beach. The Texan listened attentively even though he did not join in, despite a couple attempts to include him.

After the meal was over, Peter and Davy immediately offered to clear the table and clean up the kitchen. Mike appeared to be surprised, but acknowledged this with only a shrug before walking over to the balcony and picking up his guitar.

Several minutes later, not much had changed. Peter and Davy were almost finished with the dishes while Mike played quietly in his corner. Micky had walked around the pad trying to look like he was busy straightening up, but was really only fidgeting. There had been more than one meaningful stare between him and the guys in the kitchen, but as of yet, no one had plucked up the courage to approach Mike. As he finished scrubbing off the last of the dishes, a frown appeared on Davy’s face. The English boy shoved the sponge in his hand firmly against the sink. It was then that Micky decided that he probably better intervene in order to avoid another argument.

“Hey Mike,” Micky said as he walked up to him. “Uh, we need to talk. All of us. About what happened this morning.”

The Texan sighed and stopped playing, but he did not look up.

“Look…y’all made your point quite clear,” he drawled, his tone quiet, but with a definite edge to it. “And I think I made mine. So how about we forget about it and just work on gettin’ things back to normal. At least, what passes for normal around here anyway.”

Micky chewed at the corner of his lip. It was tempting to take Mike up on that offer. A little too tempting. But then he thought about how he had felt while he was scrambling to wake Mike up, and Micky found the resolve he needed to continue.

“That’s just it, Mike,” he said. “Things can’t get back to normal if you keep pushing us away and won’t tell us what’s going on. It’s like Davy said babe, we’re not kids. We can handle it.”

Mike ground his jaw, but remained silent. Micky knew that he was treading a thin line with Mike right now and would have to be careful about what he said next. The conversation could either veer off into something angry and confrontational rather than calm and supportive. Thus, it was up to Micky to make sure that it would be the latter and not the former.

The drummer sat down next to Mike and took a deep breath. What he had in mind was risky. He knew that. But he was determined to see it through anyway.

“Please listen to us, Mike,” Micky pleaded softly. “We’re not upset with you. Not really. We’re worried about you. Mike, I…I saw those pills on your dresser. I don’t know how long you’ve been taking them, but I know you have used them because you were totally out of it when I found you in bed earlier.”

Mike started slightly, but remained silent. The look of shock and confusion on the Texan’s face, however, did not go unnoticed and told Micky that Mike did not remember anything about his visit earlier that afternoon. Micky scooted over closer and put his hand on Mike’s arm while Davy and Peter left the kitchen to sit nearby.

“I wish you could really understand how scared I was,” Micky nearly whispered. “Trying to wake you up, thinking that you might not and that you…that you might have…. Or how upset I was…how upset we all are…to find out that you’re taking that stuff in the first place. Mike, we want to help you, babe. So please, talk to us.”

Micky paused and sniffed hard while trying to stay calm. Mike finally lifted his head and put his guitar aside. He then reached up to pat Micky’s shoulders.

“Mick, don’t…it’s ok,” he said. “I….” The Texan let his hands slide downward and looked off to the side. “You weren’t supposed to see that.”

“But I did,” Micky said hotly. “So there’s no use hiding it. Come on, Mike, what’s going on? All this, taking pills to sleep, snapping at us all the time, it’s not like you.”

“I….” Mike started again. He then shook his head. “Y’all wouldn’t understand.”

“Well how can we if you don’t talk to us,” Micky huffed, his frustration rising. “You know, you’ve been acting like this every since that thing with the Count and Lorelei and all those ghoulies. Is that what this is about? Are you mad at Davy for getting mixed up with Lorelei? Or at me and Peter for wanting to split?”

Micky jumped up to his feet and began to pace around. He hadn’t meant to get so agitated, but Mike’s refusal to talk along with his continued worries over the Texan’s state of mind were making it impossible for him to stay cool.

“Ok, maybe we shouldn’t have panicked like that and maybe Davy shouldn’t have accepted her invitation,” he continued. “So we screwed up. It happens, Mike. We all know that Davy gets mixed up with the wrong chick once in a while, but it’s not like it happens all the time. And, and yeah, we got scared. What did you expect? There were monsters, actual monsters, running around that place. It’s not like we can just choose to be not scared. We’re not like you, Mike. We can’t just turn off our emotions and not react to stuff like you can.”

A loud bang of a fist hitting paneling startled Micky out of his tirade. He looked down to see Mike slowly and deliberately rising to his feet, a look of fire in his eyes. Micky took a couple backwards to stand near Davy and Peter who were staring at Mike with nervous, shocked expressions.

“Y’all don’t get it,” Mike spat, pointing at them. “You say you do. You say that you want to, but you don’t. Not for one minute.”

The Texan took another step, causing Micky to move back again so he was between Davy and Peter. At first, it looked as Mike would continue to advance toward them, but then he stepped to the side.

“Is that what you think?” he demanded. “That I weren’t scared? That I didn’t want to high-tail it out of that house and never look back? Well I got news for y’all. I wasn’t scared….I was terrified. That place had real monsters straight out of a book or somethin’. My ma always told me that the monsters weren’t real and I believed her. But she was wrong. The monsters were real and they were after us.”

The Texan ran a hand through his raven-black hair. Micky couldn’t help but notice how Mike’s hand was trembling as he did it.

“You think I wasn’t scared when Davy disappeared and we couldn’t find him?” he continued. “I didn’t want to go into that spooky old place, but I did it because I was scared. Scared that I’d never see him again. Scared of what those freaks might have done to him. And, and then when Peter disappeared and then you, Micky…y’all were gone and I didn’t know what happened to any of you. I was actually hoping that y’all had split ‘cause at least that way I could know that you were safe. But I just knew that that weren’t the case. I knew that y’all were still in that house. And I kept thinkin’ about what could’ve had happened to you. Thinkin’ that you could have been torn apart by those monsters…or worse….”

Mike stopped pacing, his back facing them. Micky’s face fell even more when he saw that Mike was shaking.

“And then when I did find you…” he said quietly. “Micky, you kept biting my hand like you didn’t even know who I was.”

The drummer looked down into his lap. He didn’t remember biting Mike, not even after he had seen the bruises on the Texan’s fingers afterwards. Not that that would stop him from feeling terrible about it for a long, long time.

“And Davy trying to his sink his teeth in my neck,” Mike added. “And Peter…you just kept staring at me like I weren’t even there. ‘Cause I weren’t. Not to any of you. They were turning all of you into monsters. You, you weren’t you anymore. None of you.”

The Texan slumped down even more as he choked those last words out. None of them had discussed what had happened at that house once they had become separated. Partially because they didn’t remember much of what had happened.

Partially because they wanted to forget about what they did remember.

“Y’all think I wasn’t scared,” Mike repeated. “How do you think I felt when I saw you like that? There wasn’t anyone left who wasn’t a monster, except me. And I…it was my fault.”

Mike grabbed the sides of his head and sank onto the couch, still refusing to face them. Micky felt his eyes water up and he looked over at Davy and Peter to see that their eyes were wet and bright as well.

“I’m supposed to take care of y’all,” Mike said, his voice cracking slightly. “None of you wanted to be there, but I dragged you along. Davy told me about that place, but I didn’t bother to check on it. I told Peter to stay in the library by himself. Micky, I, I didn’t keep an eye on your like I should have when we were checking out the house. You were so scared, and I knew it, and I knew that it would have been safer for you to stay with Peter. But I kept you with me anyway ‘cause…’cause I was afraid and I didn’t want to be alone. I was a coward. I weren’t thinking of your safety. And y’all were paying the price for that. They got you and I let it happen.”

The Texan moved his hands away to rub his face vigorously. He took several deep breaths before continuing.  

“When I was alone, I, um, I was still scared, but not of stayin’,” he said. “I was scared of leaving. I, I didn’t want to make it out of there if it meant leaving all of you behind and never seeing you again. And if, if I hadn’t…made it, I wouldn’t have cared about that either. Not after I let y’all down like that.”

Micky swallowed hard. It hurt to hear Mike talk that way, to hear the distress in his voice and know that he had carried all of this inside him for days. He was about to get up and go to him when Davy shocked him by beating him to it. The English boy crouched down in front of him and put his hands on Mike’s forearms.

“Don’t say that, Mike,” he insisted. “None of us would have made it out of there if it hadn’t been for you.”

“But it was my fault that you ended up like that,” Mike replied brokenly. “If I’d been more careful…if I hadn’t been so afraid….”

“You didn’t make me go out with Lorelei,” Davy countered. “I could have said no when she invited me to her place, but I didn’t. And you were the one who was careful enough to make sure to get a phone number for the place from me before I went. If you hadn’t done that, there’s no way you could’ve found me in time.”

“He’s right, Mike,” Peter said, getting up and walking over to join them.”And…and I should have gone with you and Micky when you went to search the house.”

“No Pete, it weren’t your fault,” Mike insisted. “You were just scared is all. You were better off staying in the library with Micky.”

“We were better off staying together, Mike,” Micky said as he got to his feet and moved toward them. “We all know that, and yet we kept wanting to split. Especially me. I should’ve stayed with you when you were checking out that secret passage, but I was dumb and chickened out. Again. I, I don’t know why you wanted me with you. All I do is get scared and freak out. If Lorelei or those monsters hadn’t caught up with me, I would’ve ditched you the first chance I got.”

“Mick, no…no you wouldn’t have,” Mike said, shaking his head. “Maybe you would have run off like you do, but you would have come back. You always do. Even when you’re so scared you’re shaking like a leaf, you always come back when I really need you.”

“The point is, we were all falling apart,” Davy said. “Except for you. You were just as scared as us, but you didn’t give up. And that was what gave us the strength to fight back. You’re always saying that courage is when you’re scared and act anyway. Well that’s exactly what you did. All while I was struggling with what the Count did to me, I kept focusing on you and how you were fighting for us. And I’m pretty sure that it was the same for Micky and Peter. We were able to beat those guys because of you.”

Micky and Peter nodded their heads while Davy clapped his hands firmly on Mike’s arms. The drummer was saddened to see tears well up in Mike’s eyes.

“I’m sorry, Davy,” he choked out. “I, I’m s-sorry.”

“Davy immediately reached up to give Mike a hug, holding him firmly while patting his back.

“It’s all right, Mike,” he assured him. “Really, it’s going to be ok.”

Mike wrapped his arms around Davy and squeezed him close. Micky and Peter moved to either side of Mike and embraced him as well. Eventually, Mike moved his arms up around their shoulders and necks, trying to draw all of them as close to him as possible.

“I thought I’d lost you,” he whispered, his breaths hitching. “All of you.”

“You didn’t lose us, Mike,” Peter said gently. “We’d never leave you behind.”

“And you weren’t alone,” Micky insisted. “You hear me, Mike. A part of us is always with you, no matter what. You’re not alone anymore. Don’t ever forget that.”

Micky felt Mike squeeze them even tighter, his breathing still ragged and punctuated with small hiccups. It wasn’t really comfortable to have the Texan try to hold all of them at once, but Micky was determined to let Mike stay like this for as long as he needed. He figured that any discomfort he felt served him right for forgetting what he knew was one of Mike’s greatest fears: that he could be cast back into the empty solitude that he was trapped in when Micky and the rest of them met him.

Soon Mike loosened his hold and pulled back, his head bowed again. The rest of them let go but did not move away. Micky noticed how red and wet the Texan’s eyes had become and guessed that Peter and Davy did too. They all waited quietly for Mike to compose himself.

“I know I’ve been tough on y’all,” Mike finally mumbled. “I weren’t trying to stifle you, but I, um, I figured that, that if I could just get a handle on things, if I could make sure that we avoided all the crazy things we keep stumbling into, y’all could be safe for once. I ain’t making excuses for how I acted. I just, I was tired of worrying, tired of seeing y’all in danger and even hurting. I wanted it to stop so you could be happy and things could be normal for a while. Well…as normal as it is for us. But I…I guess I didn’t do a good job there either.”

“Aw Mike, it’s not that,” Micky said. “It’s just that you were going kind of overboard with it. You don’t have to keep tabs on every single thing we do.”

Mike nodded, but did not look up. Micky rubbed the Texan’s back. He had hoped that the gesture would comfort him so he’d stop feeling so down and was dismayed when it seemed to have no effect.

“It’s not that we don’t want you to look after things,” Davy added. “We just wish you’d involve us more. You’re always trying to do everything yourself, and that’s not fair to us.”

Mike nodded silently again, and Davy let out a frustrated sigh. It wasn’t that Mike wasn’t listening or taking what they said to heart. Micky could tell that he was. But none of them could be sure that this would lead to lasting change on Mike’s part either. Plus, there was the fact that Mike was still dodging one topic that they were all worrying about. Micky let out a sigh on his own and decided that he’d have to be the one to say what they were all thinking.

“Mike…about those pills,” he said. Mike responded by ducking his head down even more.

“It’s not what you think,” the Texan mumbled. “I got them a little while ago, but I hadn’t used them. A friend of mine owed me a bunch of favors and I knew he could get me a few if I asked him to.”

Micky scowled. Even though Mike did not say the name out loud, the drummer had a pretty good idea of who Mike was talking about. As far as Micky was concerned, that guy was definitely not a friend of Mike’s…and Micky doubted that he would ever consider him a friend of his either from now on.

“Today was the first day I took them,” Mike said, shamefaced. “I thought that, um, I got to thinking how y’all mentioned that I wasn’t sleeping and that it was bothering you. And I knew it was making it harder for me to keep it together. So I thought if I could get some sleep, I could get my head straight and it’d make things easier around here. That way maybe y’all could stand having me around for a little while longer.”

“We don’t just tolerate you, Mike,” Micky said, frowning even more. “I thought you knew us better than that. Why do you think we’ve been so worried about you? This isn’t about making you pleasant to be around. We’re trying to make sure that you’re ok. So how about you tell us why you felt you had to take that shit. And don’t say that it was just so that you’d stop being a grump to us because that’s not the only reason.”

Mike finally looked up at him and Micky flinched. He hadn’t meant to say that with so much anger in his tone and wished that he could take it back. However, Micky also sensed that this was one of those times when Mike needed to have someone prod him a little harder and he hoped that the Texan would be able to see the love behind his words. Thankfully, Mike seemed to understand and did not appear upset or defensive over what had been said.

“I…I just wanted to sleep,” he murmured. “I was so desperate for it. I was ready to do anything to get it. I just wanted to be able to close my eyes and feel nothing.”

“Why Michael?” Peter asked. “Why can’t you sleep? What is it that you don’t want to feel?”

Mike took a shaky breath and looked away. Micky was certain that Mike was feeling entirely too exposed and vulnerable. It wasn’t in Mike’s nature to overtly express his feelings or talk about them at length and here he had been compelled to do both for a while now. Micky put his arm around him and went back to rubbing Mike’s back in an effort to soothe what was sure to be shattered nerves. This time Mike moved closer to him and leaned into the touch, clearly grateful for the comfort it provided.

“I still have nightmares about it,” he said. “About the monsters snatching y’all away. About how they made it so you didn’t know me anymore. Or about what they could have done to you instead. Other times…other times I dream that I’m trapped in that house and walking around and around. And I keep hearing you call for me, but I can’t find you. I keep wandering around endlessly but never get anywhere. And then your voices fade away and I know I’m alone and will be forever. Like that is my punishment or somethin’. By the time I finally do wake up, it’s all I can do to stop from screaming or….”

Mike didn’t finish his sentence, but he didn’t need to. The Texan very rarely cried, but Micky could guess that that was what he felt like doing. As it was, Mike had deprived himself of any outlet for the feelings of fear, guilt and self-loathing that were crushing him.

“I know it’s risky to keep takin’ those pills,” Mike said. “But I don’t know what else to do. I don’t know if I can sleep without them.”

“Don’t say that,” Davy said. “There’s got to be another way. So stop shutting us out and let us help you find one.”

“Davy,” Mike sighed. “I….”

“Hey, I know what we can do,” Peter said, a huge smile on his face. “Mike, you’re saying that you can’t sleep because you’re worried about us and because you feel like you’re alone, right?”

“That’s the gist of it, Shotgun,” Mike replied, looking distinctly uncomfortable with the bassist words.

“Then it’s simple,” Peter continued. “All we have to do is stay with you while you sleep. You go to bed first and we’ll stick close by your bed and watch over you. That way, you’ll know where we are and won’t have to worry. And if you start to have a bad dream, we can wake you up or calm you down or whatever so you don’t have to suffer through it. That way the nightmares can’t stick with you and they’ll start to go away.”

“Yeah,” Micky said, his face brightening. “Yeah, that just might work. Good idea Pete.”

“No, wait you guys,” Mike said. “I can’t ask you to do that. To stay up with me all night. Y’all need your sleep.”

“So do you, Mike,” Davy retorted. “Just this once, let us worry about handling it and let us take care of you.”

Mike opened his mouth to protest again, but apparently thought better of it and nodded instead.

* * *

 

Shortly afterward, all four of them were upstairs and dressed in their pajamas.

Even though he had taken a nap earlier, the cumulative effects of little rest for days along with the emotionally draining session he had just had made it so that Mike was still craving sleep. As a result, the other three urged him to go to bed and had followed him upstairs.

The first thing Micky did when he walked into their shared bedroom was root through the night stand next to Mike’s bed to find the bag of pills. Once he found them, he immediately marched to the bathroom and flushed what was left down the toilet. Satisfied to know that they were gone, Micky went back to the bedroom and saw that Mike had watched what he done. For a second, the drummer wondered how he would react, but any question of how the Texan felt was soon erased with the warm hint of a smile on Mike’s face.

Micky then sat down with Peter and Davy on the floor next to Mike’s bed. They had brought up a deck of cards and were ready to begin a marathon game of poker.

“Y’all don’t have to do this,” Mike said as he climbed into bed.

“No, but we want to anyway,” Micky replied. “Now, shut up, babe and get some sleep.”

Mike rolled his eyes and laid down, covering himself with his blankets. He then rolled onto his side and closed his eyes while Micky began to shuffle the cards and Davy doled out the chips. By the time the two of them were done, Mike’s breathing had become slow and even, letting them know that he had fallen asleep.

“Do you think he’ll be all right?” Peter asked, glancing over his cards at the figure in bed.

“Hopefully he will,” Davy said. “He was holding a lot of bad stuff inside him. I know it’s hard for him to do that sort of thing, but I’m sure it was good for him to let it all out.”

“He’ll be all right, Pete,” Micky said with a confidence he needed to believe. “With a few nights of sleep and us making sure he takes time to relax from now on, he’ll recover. You’ll see.”

“I hope he gets better soon,” Peter said. “He’s been feeling awful for too long.”

‘ _Yes he has, Pete,’_ Micky thought to himself as he thumbed the edge of his cards.  

“Ah-ha!” the bassist said, fanning his cards in front of him. “Gin!”

“Gin? What, Peter?” Davy spluttered. “You can’t get gin in poker.”

“Oh,” Peter said, looking down at his cards. “Then, can we switch games?”

Micky and Davy rolled their eyes and decided to start the hand over. After re-shuffling and re-dealing the cards, the three of them eyed each other suspiciously as they tried to decide what their next moves should be.

The game came to a halt though when a sound from the bed caught their attention. Mike was groaning, his eyes still closed, and had started to thrash back and forth. Micky got onto his knees and shuffled closer to the bed. He placed his hands on Mike’s arm and shoulder.

“It’s ok, Mike,” he soothed. “You’re safe now. We’re all right here with you.”

“Go back to sleep, Mike,” Davy said.

“We’ll stay with you,” Peter added. “We’re not going anywhere.”

Micky continued to rub Mike’s arm and shoulder, lulling him back to a more peaceful slumber. Eventually, the Texan settled down and became still again. The drummer patted his arm and watched as Mike lapsed into a deeper sleep.

He thought again about what they had talked about earlier. About the meaning of courage and how there were many ways a person could be afraid. He had often considered himself a coward and had wished that he could be brave like Mike. The idea that Mike had been living in fear for the past few days without any of them realizing it was an uncomfortable revelation that he would not forget any time soon.

It was then that Micky realized that perhaps courage was not just acting in spite of fear in a pressure situation. That it could also be having the guts to open one’s heart and take care of friends when they couldn’t take care of themselves. Seen in that light, Micky now understood why Mike had placed so much faith in his being their when the Texan needed him.

Mike’s head flopped over so his face met Micky’s with Micky gently smiling at him. There would probably be more long nights of poker in their future while the Texan worked to banish his nightmares, but that mattered little to Micky.

They would get past this the way they knew best: together.

 

 

 

 


End file.
